May16

When someone is mean to you it’s not your fault.

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I heard myself telling my daughter -

When someone is mean to you it is because they are sad or in pain or both. The important thing to remember is that it is not your fault.

I have been reflecting on that applying it to myself thinking back on all the times someone was mean to me.

But then .. just now it occurred to me that the same applies to me – when I am mean to someone it is because I too am sad or in pain or both.

I make the daily effort to live with awareness – of myself and the world around me. Lately I have been so overwhelmed by the changes happening in and around me that I have been running towards some form of escape rather than acceptance. Living in that constant state of resistance has built up an emotional pain and sadness.

That resistance spills over into every thing I do and every interaction – especially with those closest to me, those I spend the most time with. I hear myself saying hurtful things or destructive conversations full of complaint or contempt. The clear evidence presents itself quickly that this state is causing pain to myself and every person I interact with.

Here is where I check in – digging deeper to find the pain or sadness and quench the needs of whatever it is.

I get caught up in the WHY of things – charging at the problem of figuring out why this is happening or did happen to me rather than forgiveness and acceptance so that I can move forward.

What it comes back to is the second part of that thought – the not your fault when someone is mean to you part. That is something I must work on with patience and compassion. Thinking that the meanness directed at me is my fault puts me into victim mode – with that comes the idea that if I am nicer and I work harder I will earn that person’s kindness instead, in a sense win them back. When the truth is – There is nothing I can do or ever will do that deserves more or less love based on what I do.

Life is about learning – the mistakes are just as important as the successes. Neither one determine my capability of being loved.

I am a person. I am loved. Love is not about deserving or earning. Love just is.

By loving myself I will learn the ability to heal from within. This will protect me from falling into the victim mode. Rather than a reactive mode that I feel controlled by what happens around me I will be in a loving peaceful mode that I feel controlled to choose how I react to what happens around me.

I practice these principles every day inspired by my daughter with the hope that I can teach her to love herself first too.

 

May4

Put your arms around you.

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Hug Yourself04052013_00001

Have you ever tried to hug yourself?

Try it.

Cross your arms around your shoulders above your chest as if you were hugging someone else.

Now squeeze tightly – and hold – stay there for a minute or two … or how ever long you want to.

At first it feels a little odd … then you find a comfortable resting point … then a comfortable squeezing point.

You might want to try this alone sometime …

After you find the comfortable squeezing point – rest your face in the crook between your elbows … and just hold … yourself.

I read the first few lines of this beautiful article below, and it brought me to my knees.

Don’t let my reaction make you afraid to read it. It is very inspiring and might not have such a strong impact on you as it did me. But let me share -

I dropped to my knees – The clenching in my gut and the tears were so strong that I had to hold on tight to someone – but there was only me.

So I wrapped my arms around me and just squeezed … and cried … and let the pain come … and instead of fighting the pain I held on tighter …

Until I realized I CAN handle it.

There wasn’t so much pain that I fell apart – I got through it – and then … I let it go …

… and instead of fighting the tears … I let them flow … and repeated the words  - “I love you. Just the way you are.”

I was amazed how I felt at the end of what felt like an hour but was less than five minutes.

Enormous relief. Calm. Elated. Energized. Quiet mind. Still.

The other side of that choice of fighting the pain felt much better than any cake batter, drink, or drug ever did.

No fat. No hangover. No crash.

Just me.

And I love me.

Just the way I am.

http://drkellyflanagan.com/2013/04/17/a-daddys-letter-to-his-little-girl-about-her-future-husband/

Apr1

New …

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Iz and Mommy
New Year.
New Birthday.
New Shoes.
New Neighborhood.
New Job.
New Car.
New Love.
Not all in that order … and not nearly as glamorous as that little list sounds. More like “New to Me” kind of New’s – but new is new, right? Am I over using that word??
I got to thinking today – when the heck was my last post on my blog??!!
Woah – to my shock – 4 months ago! Whhhaaaaaaatt?!
Yeah, not good – especially for my fans! Sorry to keep you hangin’ gang!
So here’s a “NEW” post!
Back to New – isn’t new another way of phrasing “change”?
And no matter how awesome New/Change is – change is always uncomfortable at first.
Well maybe not always – to directly contradict myself – take these orange and purple Saucony shoes – they are amazingly comfortable from day one. And every now and then – on those thrilling days that you write home about (no one writes home about anything anymore, what am I? 80??) what was I saying – oh yea, those freakin’ amazing days when you find the perfect pair of jeans that you look super sexy in the mirror in the changing room AND in the one at home! Oh man, I live for those days. I bet a lot of women would agree with me on this – those perfect jeans try on days are a bigger boost than winning the lotto. (chances of winning the lotto seem better mostly, don’t they?)
But seriously – change … like new love – when it’s so good you can’t believe it’s true and you say your prayers every night that when you wake up the next day it still will be true. Even with that kind of joy – there is still that shock of a new schedule, including someone else, the distraction of infatuation, the desire (to put it gingerly) all of that and more –  it’s all so much to process. Some admit to being addicted to that kind of “new” because (the experts will concur it happens) the brain’s love chemicals are such a rush!
That kind of change will drive your life into a brightly new direction.
In my case, there is bright new change in so many directions.
Isn’t that what this blog is all about? Shining brightly and sharing that light so that we can all rise together.
These last few months, and especially these last few weeks that brightness in my life has been blinding me.
I’ve been hiding in the shadows more than shining out in the open.
Today someone very close to my heart pulled me back out into the light.
Here’s to stepping out into the light – even when we are blinded by it – because sometimes we need to close our eyes to see.
Oct25

Thirsty Thursdays – Already Healed

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It has been so many years of agony sprinkled with a bit of blissful moments. I’m speaking of a relationship in my life that has recently come full circle.

I’ve spoken of this person before …

Bright Ideas – Patience shielding Hate

It just may be – should this recent epiphany be real – and I pray that it is – this person is has taken the first step to healing.

This is what I share to all of us out there who could use the reminder:
Act as if you are already healed … rather than holding on to the thought that you have only just begun or that you are wounded.
YOU DECIDE.
Wake up each day and look in that mirror and DECIDE to be better than you were yesterday.
YOU DECIDE.
Like little Hogarth Hughes tells the Iron Giant – You choose what you want to be. YOU CHOOSE!
Be your own best friend. Be present. Be there for yourself.
Love your body just the way it is. You are made of the most conductive element – water. You conduct your thoughts thru your body. Which means every loving thing you tell yourself will give birth to more loving thoughts … if you struggle with this – practice this – it will eventually become real.
Give yourself permission to feel everything.
Transformation is not a future event. Transformation is a present activity.
Any level of healing is the act of being healed – you are more healed than yesterday therefor – you ARE healed.
Sep20

Thirsty Thursdays – Let go.

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Stop …

That’s not actually possible. You can stop doing something to do something else … but you can’t actually … Stop.

Change …

Now, that’s a real objective.

Slow down …

Now, that’s good advice.

Is change something you do because you want to or because you have to?

You decide.

“Change before you have to.” – Jack Welch

My early years were full of so much drastic change that by the time I hit puberty I had been through 3 step-parents, more than 3 schools, at least 6 addresses, and 3 religions. None of which were my choice.

I learned to feel comfortable in chaos. So much so that I felt uncomfortable in calm. Which meant when things became quiet I kicked up the dust naively jumping the gun feigning control.

Control …

There’s only one thing you can control.

Yourself.

I’ve learned that even when you feel like you can’t control yourself – you can regain control by letting go – which in turn brings you back into control.

Example:

Panic Attack. Thoughts spinning uncontrollably. Mental imploding.

Let go.

Your know your brain will not implode.

Let the thoughts run without you chasing them. There is no need to run when nothing is chasing you.

Change by letting it happen. There is no fight when there is nothing to fight against.

Take care not to let your ego pick a fight with yourself fooling you into thinking you are in some kind of control by preemptively fighting.

There will be plenty of battles outside of yourself in your lifetime.

You need your strength.

Strength is not in rigidity … but in flexibility.

Let go.

Sep18

After the Fire …

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This is Fireweed. This phenomenal flower has always been a huge inspiration to me. Here’s why - 
It is an aggressive pioneer species that will regenerate landscapes after a devastating fire. 
It is an edible herb with medicinal properties. 
A “Phoenix Flower”. 
 
Consider this photograph – I think there are 3 ways to see it – 1) half empty   2) half full   or …  3) Full. 
1) Do you lament over the charred tree? 
2) Do you rejoice over the flower’s beauty? or … 
3) Do you admire the journey of life both the tree and the flower have shared?
 
Brings a deeper meaning to the “Live Life to its Fullest” mantra doesn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep5

Bright Ideas – Offbeat Observation

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While reading A Midsummer Night’s Dream yesterday in the Commons I made an observation of a passing student and thought this …

It seems some wear music like they wear cologne … publicly broadcasting their preferred musical scent … typically pungent and arrogant.

Have you noticed how smartphones are the new ghetto-blasters? Crude tunes on pocket play – even more irritating than the drive by car-blasters with a stereo system worth more than the car intensely vibrating the chassis. At least those are only endured in the seconds passing by rather than the low pants fool lumbering by.
My humble attempt to counteract this pop-phenom is to car-blast classical music. That shit is off the hook! ;)
Aug29

Bright Ideas – Patience shielding Hate

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Recently I had the unfortunate life lesson of dealing with a nasty person who put deliberate effort into being mean to me. I was caught off guard. I didn’t anticipate such a violent reaction to such a simple request. Especially since it was a favor returned on many previous occasions.

I was immediately met with insults, accusations and lies. It was staggering. I’ve known this person to be this way before, but with each sign of progress I get my hopes up that painful moments like this were behind us.

I used to get physically ill in reaction to this. My blood would boil, face flush, heart rate dangerously high. My stomach knotting and churning. Hands shaking and head pounding from the adrenalin rush of pure rage.

Years and years … and years of therapy later I have nearly mastered the art of remaining unchanged during the onslaught. What used to be raw anger evolved through many levels to the point of letting go …

Hate is such an evil word and such an evil emotion. I used to find myself in the death grip of HATE for this person to the point of paralysis. My heart would freeze over. My mind would rot with stress hormones. I would get stuck in the epidemic contagion that is hate.

On this recent day I heard those old thoughts creep up with “I hate you.” phrases … but I pushed them away. I held back seeing clearly that wasn’t the truth. I didn’t want to say to this person – I hate you. What I did want to say is …

“I hate what you are feeling. I hate that you are hurting so badly and this is the only way you know how to express yourself. I hate that you feel that your only option is to attack. I hate that it feels like this poison might stay with us forever.”

But you know what it is I really hate the most?

“I hate that it is so hard to be patient with you while you figure all this out in your own time.”

I’ve been on the other side of this … I know how hard it is to repair ourselves when we’ve come undone. I know how many people loved me enough to be patient with me … and who loved themselves enough to walk away. I know the guilt and anguish hangover that follows these attacks. Because of that, I know that all the pain I felt from what was said hurt the other person more than it hurt me.

Because special circumstances insure this person will always be in my life … I am blessed with the challenge of finding the patience to walk away … while knowing I can’t go far … over and over and over again.

I used to walk away metaphorically by turning to destructive behaviors such as full on retaliation, passive aggression, numbing myself, denial etc … Until I finally loved myself enough to walk away physically.

Now there are two separate journeys. I am in charge of mine. I am no longer in charge of the other’s. From this point forward I love myself enough to let go completely and spend my time and energy on ME.

I’ve learned there is a huge difference between waiting and being patient. Waiting is about holding back, remaining tethered or even stopping until the other can catch up. Being patient is about continuing on at your own pace allowing the other person to find their own way on their own time.

My gift to myself is to move onward and forward.

My gift to the other person is … to be patient.

Aug28

Bright Ideas! – YOUR Happiness

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Who decides your happiness?

Time for a new category – Bright Ideas – I’ve missed my daily writings. I noticed that the daily themes became limiting to what I had to say. If it was Wednesday and what I had to say didn’t fit into that category either literally or figuratively I wouldn’t write …

Then I had the bright idea to change the format to a category that allows me to talk about whatever is on my mind that day.

So let’s get back to it.

When you stop to consider your life and where you are in your journey – would you describe yourself as overall happy? or maybe you’d prefer to define it as content, comfortable, or peaceful? Whichever adjective fits you most – is it a positive one?

Now wait! – Take it a layer deeper – Does your happiness statement include a because? For example – I am happy because: I am financially stable. I have a job. I am married. I have children. My parents are proud of me. I am a (profession others approve of). I have many friends. I am attractive.

Then consider your because – Why does whatever it is make you feel happy? Is it based on something external? Is it based on something that can change? How will you find happiness when your reason for it is taken away?

I have heard many people express that they are content because they have all the things they want. They are privileged with access to superfluous income which gives them what they perceive as a higher status in society and a sense of security. In an ever-changing unpredictable economy – we are all aware of how easily this can be taken from us.

If your happiness isn’t coming from within – comfortable in your own skin – then it’s not YOUR happiness.

Take a moment and think about how that root issue affects you and everything in your life.

Who’s in charge of your happiness?

If you can admit that it might not be you … are you brave enough to dig deeper as to why you have chosen the ones who are in charge?

 

 

Aug8

Wildlife Wednesdays – Upstream

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Today’s Animal Card was the Salmon. The amazing journey of this creature has been referenced to the point of becoming cliche. Yet the message to me today was clear and worth taking note.

The Native American wisdom focuses more on the innate intuition that guides this fish back to its birthplace … to complete the cycle … to die …

The Native American spirituality is about checking in to make sure we are staying tuned in. Listening to that intuition. Hearing life’s queues that will point us in the direction we need to go. If we are meant to see every bend in the river as a new adventure it’d be nice to know we are least swimming up the right river.

When you find yourself heading up the wrong river it takes a great amount of strength to own up to it and redirect yourself.

The Salmon card reminds me that my intuition is strong and wise and ready with answers if I give it a voice. Take the time to listen. Take the time to digest. And trust myself.